QTalk: Reader's Edition

In response to our periodic QTalk articles about the coming out experience, an anonymous reader has sent in the following to share:

(Posted by anonymous)
My mother is a great woman.

She works hard to take care of her family and friends, often going without so that her children can enjoy small pleasures. She is fiercely intelligent with an acerbic wit and easy outgoingness that I have envied much of my life. For many years she has been my closest ally in nearly everything I do and has never let me look too hard at my shortcomings or dwell too long on my failures. I could ask for no better parent.

I’m afraid to tell her that I’m queer.

Do I think she would disown me? No. Would she cut off communication, financial support, emotional stability? I don’t think so (but it’s the think that makes it so unbearable). She would simply be so terribly sad, I would hurt her beyond what I know she can handle. And I don’t want to do that. So I’m stuck, dropping hints at every turn because I can’t stand secrets, yet completely unwilling and unable to just come clean. I am fully aware that because of the nature of our relationship, the truth will come out at some point, and I dread that day.

I want to be honest. Sometimes I feel filthy when I get off of the phone with her because I could have just spit it out right there. I’ll make an excuse in my head, coming out over the phone is no way to do it, right? Right. So I’m ok. I’m ok.

This narrative reads like protection, like I’m wrapping up something sharp so she doesn’t get hurt. At what point do I have to trust that she’s an adult and can take care of herself? Where do selfishness and fear end and genuine care and concern begin? I don’t know. I wish I did.