My Binary

(Posted by Nick, '11)
I live two lives. In fact, I think I live several different lives. I’m different people when I’m around different people. But these personalities fall into two overarching categories: home and school. I’m not more of myself in either one of these places… I just act differently.

At home, I’m not out, so that’s obviously one of the reasons I have a different personality there. At home, I’m a more muted version of my school self; I don’t think I’m as outrageous and outgoing at home, though I still do talk a lot. Even so, at home I feel I’m more introspective, definitely quieter, than I am at school. And it’s a welcome change of pace from the high-energy life that Vassar demands of me.

People always ask me, “Nick, isn’t it hard to go home and go back in the closet? To live a lie?” They’re always surprised when I tell them that I don’t feel I’m living a lie; that school and home are two separate personal spheres for me. I don’t have a boyfriend at home, so that part of my life doesn’t come up there, and I don’t see an immediate need to come out. Why rock the boat when it’s smooth sailing? Of course, the waters will become choppier once I do find a significant other at home. But until that time does come, I’m content with staying where I am.

Besides that, my house is a very desexualized zone. When I was dating my girlfriends (yes, I’ve had them), it was always an awkward environment to be in. My parents never really address sexuality at home; it’s a very taboo topic. Maybe it’s the Roman Catholic in them, maybe it’s because they’re just too scared to do so. I was never given “the talk” by my dad – that was done in 6th grade of elementary school with my school district’s Project Know program. I also have a 5-year-old sister, and of course my parents don’t want to ask about my sex life in front of the little kids (I also have 3 younger siblings). But they’ve never asked about the girls at school, ever. They don’t inquire into my personal life. And that’s just fine with me.

It helps keep the spheres apart.